Family Trips
Early in my parenting journey I realized I wasn’t at my best with all my kids at the same time.
In fact, I wasn’t particularly good at spending time with my wife and ONE kid.
Some of my difficulties were due to a lack of skills.
But, mostly, it was an issue of attitude. I was putting myself in situations I disliked because I thought I was supposed to.1
Wanting to have a great relationship with my wife and my three kids, I started experimenting. I discovered I do best with 1-on-1 trips.
These 1-on-1 trips turned out to be great for everyone.
I got to know my kids.
My kids got to know me.
My wife got to spend time with her other kids.2
The kids who stayed at home, deepened their relationships with each other.
My dad adopted this policy with his grandkids. He sees them 1-on-1 and gets a chance to get to know them, rather than referee.
That’s the part I like best, too.
Driving & Yelling
I’ve only yelled at my kids once in my life - all of us were the car.
It worked too well.
At that moment, I realized how easy it would be to create a habit of yelling. Like other things, it’s effective in the short-term but won’t lead to long term success.3
From that yelling moment (10 years ago), I’ve been on a mission to:
Not be in a car with all my kids.
Reduce the time I spend with all three kids.4
I imagine this sounds strange to you. However, it’s well thought out.
Here’s the logic.
Avoid situations that cause me to dislike my family.
It’s related to an anger-management strategy of:
Stay well back from the edge.
These are similar to business ethics dilemmas where the best course of action is to avoid situations where our ethics will be tested.5
Family Vacations Trips
When the kids were little, we realized it was exhausting to take them out of their routine and travel.6
If I struggle to drive all three kids across town then it doesn’t take much imagination to imagine how much fun it would have been to spend a travel day with me. Not much.
But it wasn’t just me.
It was the time, money and emotion the entire family was spending. A big cost to simply make ourselves tired.
My wife and I have experience recognizing the pointlessness of opting into fatigue with a negative return.7 We decided to do things differently.
Take the money we’d spend on a family trip and reallocate to childcare that benefits the marriage.
Have one parent travel doing something they enjoy.
Sometimes with a kid.
Sometimes alone.
At the multigenerational family level, we adopted a policy of “close but not too close.” This means everyone has their own space and, as much as possible, only immediate family sleep under the same roof.
This avoids unnecessary drama regarding:
Noise
Drinking
Cleanliness
Wake-up times…
Across the generations, we see each other well-rested and at our best.
Put my earlier point another way, keep the entire family away from situations where we might damage our relationships.
Total Immersion
But I’m not always avoiding difficulty. Occasionally, I confront my challenges head on.
When the kids were young, I decided to face my fears. I signed the four of us up for a Disney Cruise. My thinking went along these lines:
Place ourselves in a small room
Force the four of us to “figure it out”
During the cruise, I pulled the plug on everything and left my phone behind. I brought a notebook and took downtime as an opportunity for a technology retreat.
Without having my phone, or work, to use as an escape mechanism, I was more relaxed and a better parent.
Lesson in there.
The ideas above work because we share the same values, including All Family Is Optional. From kids through to grandparents, no one is forced to do anything.8
This leaves us free to think clearly, experiment and make changes when we notice our approach is not working.
If your home life is dragging you down, or you find yourself dreading family interaction, then think outside the box. A willingness to give a “nice no thanks” got us through a challenging time in our lives.
Many times in my life, I’ve caught myself working on the wrong thing. Meaning, I have been doing something uncomfortable because I thought it would make someone else happy. With clients, family and spouses… I’ve found it essential to check my assumptions.
If, like us, you happen to have one, or more, Alpha Pups then this archive blog might help you maintain your sanity. See also Alpha Tween.
Other coping strategies that fail the test of time… anger, alcohol, drugs, sloth, avoidance.
While many enjoy bickering with their siblings, I find it repulsive, literally. I stay a mile away from all forms of bickering. It’s a trait I share with my wife, which makes us well suited to each other.
I don’t vacation in Vegas, for example.
To get the whole family to travel, was a major production and cost. We used to travel with our own childcare. Neither practical, nor cost effective, for most families.
Not all fatigue is bad. Sometimes it’s necessary to cope with short-term fatigue to make long-term progress.
The picture this week is from Italy. Four of us went on a trip. Our oldest wanted to stay at home and focus on her swimming. We arranged for a family friend to stay with her.