All Family Is Optional

and five other mantras to build healthy relationships between generations

Each of us has the ability to change the values we inherited from our parents.

These are what my wife and I use:

1. All Family Is Optional

2. It’s OK to Say No

3. We’ve Already Won

4. We Can Handle The Truth

5. We Can Do Difficult Things

6. Talk Like Everyone Is In The Room

Know your personal and family history.

I’ve known five generations of my family, ancestors tracking back to the 1800s.

Drama, and ruin, have resulted when a family member ignored the lessons contained in the Six Mantras.

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All Family Is Optional

I use this mantra to keep myself in check.

Your family could use it to keep itself in check.

If I was treating one of my kids in an abusive fashion then I’d want them to exit their relationship with me.

Seems simple when put that way.

But, what if you are in an abusive relationship, or related to a high-conflict personality?

Where does your duty lie?

My choice:

1. Don’t Become A Casualty (of my birth situation)

2. Honor My Marriage

3. Serve My Minor Children

This mantra, taught from birth, gives each family member freedom to do what they think is best.

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It’s OK To Say No

A thought experiement.

Invert this mantra as well as the one above.

• What happens when we train our children to follow authority and never say no?

• How reasonable can we expect our leaders to be if they have absolute authority?

This mantra acts as:

• A check on the power of leadership

• A way for children to keep themselves safe

• A principle to reduce stress between family members

It’s a tough one for many cultures.

If it’s tough for you then start by saying “not yet.”

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We’ve Already Won

When you need to say “no” this mantra is a nice follow-up.

There is no need to…

• bet-the-farm

• take huge risks

• guarantee each other’s debts

• distract ourselves from our duty to our marriages and kids

Why?

Because we’ve already won.

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We Can Handle The Truth

No Taboo Topics

Positive change happens when we have the courage to face uncomfortable truths. If something feels uncomfortable then it’s a nudge to change it.

This mantra isn’t a green light to be rude to people. There are many truths in every situation, and family system.

Let everyone speak, for as long as they want, and consider if there’s truth in what they say.

Remember, all family is optional.

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We Can Do Difficult Things

Leaders are seen to do difficult things:

• saying no to ourselves

• speaking the truth, about our own choices

• changing habits, that don’t serve the family

• teaching, using their own mistakes to illustrate

When my kids do something difficult, I point it out. They don’t always notice.

This mantra builds from the capacity to:

1. Keep Small Promises To Ourselves

2. Tell The Truth To Others

Why?

• Integrity starts small

• We’re always watching ourselves

• Exemplary lives are built one small choice at a time

Start small, repeat daily.

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Talk Like Everyone Is In The Room

No exceptions.

This mantra will end 90% of your unforced errors, overnight.

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Take these mantras, make them your own, teach them to the kids you know.

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