All Family Is Optional
and five other mantras to build healthy relationships between generations
Each of us has the ability to change the values we inherited from our parents.
These are what my wife and I use:
All Family Is Optional
It’s OK to Say No
We’ve Already Won
We Can Handle The Truth
We Can Do Difficult Things
Talk Like Everyone Is In The Room
Know your personal and family history.
I’ve known five generations of my family, ancestors tracking back to the 1800s.
Drama, and ruin, have resulted when a family member ignored the lessons contained in the Six Mantras.
All Family Is Optional
I use this mantra to keep myself in check.
Your family could use it to keep itself in check.
If I was treating one of my kids in an abusive fashion then I’d want them to exit their relationship with me.
Seems simple when put that way.
But, what if you are in an abusive relationship, or related to a high-conflict personality?
Where does your duty lie?
My choice:
Don’t Become A Casualty (of my birth situation)
Honor My Marriage
Serve My Minor Children
This mantra, taught from birth, gives each family member freedom to do what they think is best.
It’s OK To Say No
A thought experiement.
Invert this mantra as well as the one above.
What happens when we train our children to follow authority and never say no?
How reasonable can we expect our leaders to be if they have absolute authority?
This mantra acts as:
A check on the power of leadership
A way for children to keep themselves safe
A principle to reduce stress between family members
It’s a tough one for many cultures.
If it’s tough for you then start by saying “not yet.”
We’ve Already Won
When you need to say “no” this mantra is a nice follow-up.
There is no need to…
bet-the-farm
take huge risks
guarantee each other’s debts
distract ourselves from our duty to our marriages and kids
Why?
Because we’ve already won.
We Can Handle The Truth
No Taboo Topics
Positive change happens when we have the courage to face uncomfortable truths. If something feels uncomfortable then it’s a nudge to change it.
This mantra isn’t a green light to be rude to people. There are many truths in every situation, and family system.
Let everyone speak, for as long as they want, and consider if there’s truth in what they say.
Remember, all family is optional.
We Can Do Difficult Things
Leaders are seen to do difficult things:
saying no to ourselves
speaking the truth, about our own choices
changing habits, that don’t serve the family
teaching, using their own mistakes to illustrate
When my kids do something difficult, I point it out. They don’t always notice.
This mantra builds from the capacity to:
Keep Small Promises To Ourselves
Tell The Truth To Others
Why?
Integrity starts small
We’re always watching ourselves
Exemplary lives are built one small choice at a time
Start small, repeat daily.
Talk Like Everyone Is In The Room
No exceptions.
This mantra will end 90% of your unforced errors, overnight.
Take these mantras, make them your own, teach them to the kids you know.
As suggested before is about keeping small promises to oneself. Great piece Gordo! 🚀