Part Two of Thinking Better
Memory
In Part One, I shared my error correction system.
Notice Surprise
Keep The Decision Window Open
Pause When Our Defense Mechanisms Kick In
Pain
Anger
Raising Our Voices
All of the above are enhanced when we write down what we are experiencing.
Bonus points awarded for publishing and seeking to teach others…
Memory Serves The Ego
The book’s section on memory is great.
Memory can be more difficult to correct than errors.
The reason being…
False memories appear crystal clear from the inside.
…and the only way we are going to belief this FACT is if we document things and catch ourselves in the act (of holding a false memory).
Once you’ve done this multiple times, you’re likely to be:
More generous when dealing with the false memories of others.
More cautious when making unverified statements of your own.
Eventually, I hope you arrive at an understanding that memory is:
Selective
Changing
Self-Serving
Even more so when a person is stressed, their identity is threatened or they have ill-health.
Are there ways around this reality?
Memory Enhancers
I do not claim to have a good memory.
What I have is a system for making sure that the things I care about get done.
Repetition
Simplification
Documentation
Follow-Up
I limit myself to three points at a time, and even that’s a lot. One, or two is better.
Why a limit of three?
I challenge you to execute on three daily actions for the next 1000 days.1
It’s tough.
So if you’re in the business of positive change - in yourself, in your team, in others - then you will need to keep it simple.
But wait, you say…
What does executing on things that matter have to do with memory?
I don’t care about my “memory.” Memory in the sense of jamming my head with a ton of noise.
I care about the ability to get stuff done and the ability to recall key information from:
Agreements
Commitments
Decision Processes
Mistakes That Cost Me Time, Money or Emotion
I don’t need to jam my head with facts and figures. I do need to know where to find things that matter to me.
Family Notebook
Business Notebook
Exercise Notebook
Personal Notebook
If we discuss something that might cost me time, money or emotion… it gets written down.
If it’s something that’s important to both of us:
I will repeat what we agreed - two or three times.
I will send you a copy of what we agreed.
I will put a date in my calendar to follow up.
Because positive change can be painful, and we prefer to avoid pain, my system can make people uncomfortable. That’s OK. I want to work with people who can handle discomfort.
Some of these notes are VERY simple.
From a family meeting…
Maintain a B average if you want to miss school for sports trips.
Get an app now, delete at the start of the school year.
Privately discuss travel before telling kids it will happen.
Luxury spending will be earned.
From the same meeting (my list!):
Don’t be mean.
Don’t be grumpy.
Do be firm & consistent.
Circle back to the top…
Memory serves our ego.
Memory is selective, changing and self-serving.
…even more so when stressed.
We might get away with “you never said that” or “I never agreed to that” once, or twice.
When that happens, it’s frustrating. The frustration is shared by everyone. All of our memories are self-serving, not just “the other guy.”
Be patient and politely document agreements/commitments once memory becomes an issue.2
It’s worth remembering «wink»
The purpose of writing things down is not to catch people out…
It’s because our minds will change memories to serve our individual interests.3
A technique that’s been helpful at home is…
“What do you think is a fair policy for the family to have on that issue?”
“That’s seems reasonable, could you write it out for me? I’d like to keep a copy so I remember.”
Divorces are a perfect storm for memory failure. Resist the temptation to reinforce false memories via self-justification to friends and family.
There’s no need to justify.
Do what needs to be done.
See: Lessons From My Divorce and Families In Divorce.