For Fathers To Be
Getting Mindset Right
How do you deal with the risk that your body lasts longer than your mind?
Serve the young.
A pregnant wife is the start of an outstanding opportunity to de-risk the back end of your life.
The skills required are different from what you’ve been using so far.
You don’t need to be a father to take advantage of these posts.
Spouse
Students
Other People’s Kids1
Grandkids
Neighbors
…the key element is consistent service to others.
Now, in my own case, I didn’t have a desire to “get” future help.
Rather I had a strong desire to “avoid”.
Avoid another divorce.
Avoid the pain of future regret.
Still not sure? Listen to grandparents talk about decisions they regret.
Family neglect, even for good reasons, is a leading cause of regret in later life.
The Start
Three things:
Learn to swaddle
Focus on your wife’s sleep
Babies cry
Nothing else matters until you’ve mastered these points.
Why?
Done well, these points bring relief and create space for the rest of your life.
Downstream effects
Where you’ll be sleeping => I spent a lot of time, alone, in the basement.
Sleep schedules => Baby, Mom, You => in order of priority.
Support the marriage by supporting your wife’s sleep schedule.
Pay attention to what works and doesn’t work.
Keep what works and build a schedule.
Simplify, and resist the urge to vary the schedule.
When It Gets Real
The second birthday of your first child is a key milestone.
Parenthood is about to get real.
Long-term bitterness ruins a marriage. How much risk do you want to run?
What sort of role do you want to create for yourself?
Take a dominant kid away so your wife meets the other kids (this comes later).
Take a toddler away on an overnight trip so your wife can put her adrenal system back together.
Schedule a Daddy Day once a week.
Schedule a fixed slot, daily, so your wife can exercise.
Smart, tactical choices will help create the woman you’d like to spend the rest of your life alongside.
What do you do best? For me, it is 1-on-1 time in nature.
Whatever your skill happens to be, do not expect it to be fun at the beginning.
The win happens much later when you’re able to do fun stuff with your school-aged kids.
While parenting in your best environment, invert the situation and consider…
What does your partner like least? …but you dislike it too.
In that case…
What can you subcontract? Teaching someone to put your kids to bed at an early age is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.
Why? It gives you time together as a couple AND improves the child’s ability to settle themselves.
Subcontracting is not a clear-cut issue. I can subcontract cleaning but it’s one of the highest return things I do in my house. unimpeachable authority when I assign chores or ask for help.
Do not expect your kids to thank you => remember you’re working to create a strong marriage.
You cannot do it all => What are you willing to give up? I recommend you keep your health.
In the short term, it may feel like you’ve given up everything => Stay calm, and keep moving forward
The kids will grow up, and you’ll be able to bring back favorite activities.
For now, stay focused on the marriage. You’re both under a lot of stress and our kids are counting on us.
The Golden Rule for interacting with pregnant wives
Just Do It
You’ll understand why when you witness childbirth.
A painful irony for many teachers and coaches => They end up spending more time with other people’s kids than their own.
A strong recommendation along these lines… written by our first pediatrician’s father. They stressed sleep above all else. Build sleep habits now, huge payoff for everyone down the line. Science seems to back it up too!
https://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0593158547/ref=asc_df_0593158547_nodl?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=560440526833&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10715924795538672580&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1014448&hvtargid=pla-1407652737819&psc=1&dplnkId=614dfeb7-10bc-4852-98fd-e3bc0aa5e87b