An Antidote To Feeling Trapped By Circumstances
Reducing Drama and Moving Towards Better
You read the Six Mantras; you want to change but something holds you back.
The most common reasons:
I can’t exit the relationship
It’s too hard
Both of these are false and, yet, I know what you mean.
I’ve felt the same way and paid a price via years of drama.
While you get comfortable with your ability to choose, I recommend:
Be Polite
Do Less
Both of these are challenging in their own ways.
Difficult people divide into two camps.
The addicted or abusive => our best outcome is an exit
High-conflict personalities => our best outcome is a beneficial relationship
It is essential to know the difference => are you seeking a relationship or an exit?
It only takes one side to make a relationship impossible. We might never get the chance for a relationship. Likewise, no one can create a relationship without our agreement.
Keep the desired outcome front and center.
For whatever reason, you’re locked into a relationship with a difficult person.
What to do?
Be Polite
Do Less
Polite is simple but challenging. Free yourself from the pattern of drama.
What about “less?”
It doesn’t apply to our whole lives. Rather, it is about controlling where we allocate time and emotion.
Start by allocating more towards positive change in your own life.
In my case, becoming the sort of person I wished to marry. Eventually, the sort of father I wished to be.
Drama brings out the worst in me. I needed to dial it down.
They want to talk about politics, complain, or come at you for past mistakes…
Let them speak fully, then…
Agreement, followed by silence.
Take all the negative energy you feel and channel it towards positive change in your life.
It works wonders.
Years ago, Robert came to me about a relative of mine, Jackie.
On the face of it, he was making an appeal for me to spend more time with this relative.
I’d opted out of this relationship. Robert felt it might do Jackie some good if I opted back in. He was probably correct.
I asked Robert a question, “Would you like more Jackie in your life?”
We laughed.
You see, Robert wanted me to opt in, so he could opt out.
I told him he was free to do whatever he needed to do.
I’m married to Robert’s daughter. I explained my duty is to her and our minor children.
He saw my point.
My point being, minimizing conflict & drama enables us to be more effective in other areas of our lives.
Areas where we can have an enduring positive impact.
High-conflict personalities live in the past, and are fearful of the future:
Spending Decisions
Mistakes
Moments Where We Fell Short
Perceived Slights
Agreement, followed by silence.
If there’s truth then address it, on your own.
Remember, you don’t want “more” of this relationship.
Learning how to cope inside a challenging relationship is a valuable skill.
Before opting out, I developed a skill set for emotionally charged situations. These skills continue to help my family.
Point being, if you’ve been in an abusive relationship for years… don’t beat yourself up. I hung in for too long (and turned out just fine). Learn from the situation and refocus your energy towards improving your life.
I had no success trying to make others fit my needs.
I continue to have success working daily to create the life situation I desire. Great people noticed and we built a wonderful life together.
If you want tactics & templates, I recommend a book called B.I.F.F.
BIFF stands for Brief Informative Friendly and Firm.
It costs $12 on Amazon and will save you a small fortune in time & emotion.
I use BIFF all the time.
Key part for me is FRIENDLY!
Back to Robert, I shared,
I have realized there are going to be loose ends at the time of my death.
This situation might be one of them.
I was correct.
Jackie was my mother and she died during the pandemic.