Today is our 20th Wedding Anniversary. I’m shooting for 50 years so we are off to a good start.
I thought I’d share things I have noticed about relationships and family leadership. Work with these tips. They took me 20+ years to figure out.
I create «my spouse» by serving «them»
My younger self would not have known WTF I am talking about. He had a habit of using money and other people’s time to outsource anything that caused discomfort. His approach worked for his goals and he ended up divorced.
When I married the second time, I had a new set of goals. I’d encourage you to write your goals down and return to them, often.
If you’re not a goal person then get to know your partner’s goals and support them. Goal oriented people have tremendous energy which can be directed to things you value. Keep them onside, cheer them on, nudge them to make emotional connections.
Something I noticed around the house: If I am willing, and able, to do the worst jobs then it motivates everyone to try a little bit harder. It won’t turn everyone into a star performer but it will lift the team.
Would you clean the toilets to create a family where everyone contributes?
Be seen to make a continual positive contribution.
Don’t Become A Casualty
One of the most powerful things we can do is work towards a better version of ourselves. Better than yesterday. Not better than others.
Being Better — whatever that means to you — will give you more to offer, and make you a source of strength for your family. I always got the impression that people were willing to forgive my shortcomings because my heart was in the right place and I was working for the team.
Support others as they reach towards their own definition of better. It will probably look different than how you see the world.
This idea of working towards excellence, while supporting those around us, is a positive sum game. What you want to avoid is falling into a situation where you negotiate against your spouse, or your kids. Zero sum, fixed pie thinking doesn’t work. There’s plenty to go around.
The two best things I’ve found to keep my energy up are: (1) go to sleep when the kids do, and (2) exercise first thing in the morning. Start there.
Kids Are Great
Monica and I have an inside joke (not anymore, I am about to tell you) that we know your parenting style as soon as we go for a walk with your dog.
Meaning… if you put in the work at the front end then you receive a compound return far above what you expected.
As I wrote earlier this week, being focused on athletics crowds out counterproductive thinking. Same deal with kids. The challenge of living with a bunch of little people forced us to simplify and choose how we wanted to live. It’s OK to put yourself in difficult situations.
Coming out the other side of the young family experience, we didn’t see the difficulties we missed. Marriage benefits from figuring out challenging situations, together.
The two things I’m most proud of in my life are my marriage and my kids.
It’s been a joy to create a family with Monica.
Happy anniversary! You’re a few weeks ahead of my wife and I (August 6th 2005 for us) and at risk of seeming too much like a stalker we had our Lexie (honestly a coincidence) in 2010, but there the similarities end!
I hope you all enjoy the celebrations and great job at Roth (I hope you enjoyed that as much as possible too)