Teaching About Desire
When it comes to goals, I recommend my clients pay attention to something I noticed many years ago.
At the time, I was a young man, making far more money than I needed to fund my lifestyle.
It goes like this…
Goal, desire, want, need…
Whatever & whenever it arises…
Write it down…
If it sticks around then consider,
How will this make things better?
It’s a useful filter, especially for spending.
If we build the habit of pausing & asking the question… how will this make things better… then the question can prevent poor choices.
I’ve been using the pause-consider cycle since I left finance in 2000.
One of the hazards of any high-paying profession is creating a habit of blowing cash needlessly.
“We can afford it” generates a lot of waste.
…but the most important lesson isn’t with respect to money.
Time
Desire
Emotion
A Story
Last August, my son tried out for an elite climbing team.
The tryout did not go well.
We never found out exactly what happened but… my guess… they noticed he was a nice kid, but uncoachable.
Not making the elite squad bothered him. Most of his climbing pals were on the “select” team.
Over the months that followed he waged a campaign for an upgrade:
Improved his competition results.
Handmade thank you cards for the coaches.
Relentless marketing via other coaches.
Emails stating his case to the Head Coach.
Getting other parents to go to bat for his inclusion.
No Dice.1
Eventually, I got roped in. Not sure how but the coaches started replying to me, rather than my son’s emails. Perhaps they thought I was driving the process, behind the scenes. Wonderboy is relentless.
As far as I was concerned there were two choices:
Go climb somewhere else.
Wait until the next round of tryouts (August 2024) and do better.
Wonderboy did NOT see it that way.
He said this was the only thing he wanted in his life.
He pointed out it was my task to get him this thing.2
I shared my experience that after you get this thing there will be another thing.
Eventually, I end up in a room with the Head Coach, the Assistant Coach and Wonderboy, who had set up the meeting via email… tenacious.
For an hour… Wonderboy aired grievances and the coaches calmly worked through each one.
No Dice.
…but they gave him a pathway to improve => consider becoming coachable, at a deep level.
The Assistant Coach made an observation that I loved.
Until you’re happy climbing, you’ll never reach your potential as a climber.
Let’s rephrase.
Until we’re happy being, we will never be happy.
The entire situation was an example of desire (to be on a team) making someone miserable.
When we are inside our compulsion, it’s difficult to see our way out.
However, when the energy comes out of a situation… there are opportunities to use these experiences to teach, both ourselves and others.
Success
This past week, he has been training with the elite squad. Neither of us is sure if he’s officially on the team. One of the coaches, after a private coaching session, had told him he could “turn up if he wanted.”
To Wonderboy, I said…
Great news.
That was ALL YOU, amigo.
I guess you’ll never have another desire again, for the rest of your life.
He just smiled.
Separate from the capacity to “see” desire…
Don’t deny people the benefit of overcoming their difficulties.
How often have I been willing to do anything but change the one habit holding me back? I get attached to my quirks and idiosyncrasies.
What he didn’t know is my task is difficult, but different. My job is to watch him struggle, and possibly, fail as a result of his own choices.