Settle Later
Keep It Simple & Persist
We’ve wrapped up a round of college swim team visits with our high school junior. Reflecting on the process, I want to share ideas to help your family, and your own life.
First, the title of this article comes from a Swedish friend. My buddy, Clas, used to remind me I could always quit later, but I couldn’t quit right now.
Related, I coached two Jans from Northern Norway. The guys had a saying, Norwegians never complain about the cold, they turn blue and die.
Finally, Jack Daniels (the master coach, not the beverage) advised his runners, always speed up before you slow down.
These three anecdotes are about champion mindset. Mindset comes naturally for some folks. I love having those sorts of people around me.
Be careful with Mamba Mentality. When paired with an exceptionally stubborn temperament, I’ve seen it ruin lives and destroy health. Seek mentors & coaches with different blindspots than your own. Do the same thing for your kids.
Who’s Most Likely To Snuff Your Dream?
Our minds can talk us into stuff, and out of stuff. Being aware of this dynamic, we will get a better result if we ignore most attempts to be talked out of our dreams.
The person who is most often urging us to settle is ourselves.
Of course, we need to be able to think clearly and see the reality of our position. I have included resources to help you at the bottom of this article.
What Were You Born To Do?
Since a young age, our daughter had a vision of where she wanted to go to college. This vision has been consistent since the first time she talked about it. Back then, she didn’t even know what a college was, or the names of any schools. She would describe the place to me, and it sounded great.
Interestingly, her vision isn’t my vision, or her mother’s. It’s been around so long, she might not know its origin. Not understanding the source of our feelings about “what we were born to do” is something I relate to. I have no idea about the source of my compulsion to train, write and publish.
A favorite quote of hers, swimming sometimes sucks but it’s way better than homework. She feels fortunate to do a level of (swim) work that most find impossible.
Athletics is a wonderful way to learn the connection between work, progress and satisfaction. Nothing needs to be taught formally. It’s lived experience.
Chasing Unicorns
If we find a hard task that feels easy, and we enjoy the work, and we demonstrate aptitude… then we are on to something. Look for this in yourself and members of your family.
Over on Endurance Essentials, my new writing project is called How To Train. No surprises for guessing the theme. But the book is about more than how to train. It is a story about committing to a dream - initially a dream of getting back into race shape and, eventually, to a world-best time for Ironman triathlon (geezer division). A dream, to once again, have a race where I know I did my absolute best.
None of us has the ability to do the work required to achieve another person’s dream. Nor would we want to. The meaning in my life comes from doing the work required to earn my results. The work and results are real. My dream is coming along for the ride. It took me decades to have that insight. I used to take the dream too seriously.
Teaching & Embodying Life Skills
If you want to give your kids (or yourself) something extremely valuable then:
Notice when they latch onto something difficult where they find the work easier than anyone else.1
Support their drive towards doing the work.
Create an environment supportive of doing the work.
Step back, and think clearly, about the competitive dynamics.2
Love them, believe in them, guide them to adulthood and hand them off to the world.3
When we find satisfaction in the work, time has a way of strengthening our position.
We can always settle later.
Resources:
My series on Thinking Better.
My series on Creating The Life You Desire.
New & Better Problems. Two years ago, I wrote an article about Achieving Difficult Things. By focusing on the work, rather than the result, I blew past my best case scenarios. I also got past my December 2023 problems, some of which I had been told were impossible to fix. This does not mean my life is without problems. It means I am dealing with higher level, more interesting problems.
The cue you are listening for: in your head, your peer group and your family is: this is difficult but not too bad. If you hear that in connection with something extremely difficult then pay attention. If you notice this in someone then do them a favor and point it out to them. Quite often, young people don’t realize their areas of aptitude. Encourage them to think big. They are young and have access to many decades of compounding.
Don’t collapse the decision window when you have:
Parents with world-class genetics.
Awesome high school club coach.
Father who sorted the 529 account at a young age.
Dual citizenship.
Zero pressure to commit early.
Consistent, and rapid, progression in main events.
The ability to defer at zero long term cost. Young people are rich in time, in ways they can’t understand.
Our daughter did three out of four visits solo. There were some tough moments on the solo visits but that’s part of growing up. The idea was a gradual exposure to the experience of taking control of our own lives.
Great parents prepare their kids to leave.