Kids and Dangerous Pursuits
Prepared is better than protected
I’ve had too many friends die prematurely.
Not one of them would have listened to advice about dialing down their risk-seeking behaviors.
What’s a parent to do?
A teaching I started with my son, was to look past the landing. It’s a bit like look-where-you-want-to-go and don’t-look-at-danger. Both of those are useful in the mountains and on bikes.
Looking past the landing is about considering consequences, and second-order effects. If you’re male, it doesn’t (begin to) come naturally until your late-30s after friends have died.
For some of my pals, moderation never came at all. They’re still rolling dangerous pursuits as they move out the back of middle age.
It’s their call.
It’s your call.
Something for parents to remember. Whether we are talking about turning Little Johnny into an Olympian, or keeping Gordie safe from harm… it’s not going to be parent’s call.
Up until ~12, our kids will suppress their true drives to please us. From then on… they’re going to find a way to go what they want to do.
A little story…
In my off-season my son and I hiked a 14er. A 14er is a mountain that’s over 14,000 feet elevation. We’ve done most of the “easy” ones. So the remaining climbs are getting more serious. With age, I’ve lost my capacity to tolerate exposure. I can’t even handle a swing set any more.
Anyhow, it’s a long drive to the mountains and my son/partner announced he was planning on downloading Deadpool (Rated-R). In the US, R means if you’re under 17 you need an adult to accompany you. I hadn’t seen the movie, my son’s 13, so I vetoed that idea. Had wasn’t convinced but he sucked it up and slept most of the way to the mountain, we’d race a sprint triathlon that morning.
Roll forward a couple of days and he went to the movies, with his buddy (who is even smaller than him) and they figured out a way to get into Deadpool & Wolverine.
They figured it out.
R-rated movies, sex, alcohol, drugs, dangerous driving, motorcycles, backflips with roller skis, sneaking into construction sites, high-speed descending…
…our boys are going to figure it out.
…just like we did.
This reality is invisible to many/most of the moms.
Perhaps they were the girls who didn’t talk to me and my bros.
Perhaps their well-founded worries are over-riding the memories of their teen years. My worst decisions were usually made without a lot of females around.
Either way, the reality is our boys are going to skate, send and make poor decisions.
What to do?
Outlets to be cool. My son has wanted to do a backflip on skis since he saw a someone bang one out at Vail. I held him off as long as I could (he’s 13 now). Along the way, he’d jump on every trampoline he could find and bang out back and front flips. He nearly dislocated his elbow the first time he attempted a double back flip.
This past summer I signed him up for “ramp camp” and he did 40 back flips on roller skis. On their trampoline, they made him land a double-backflip (clean) before they’d let him try a single on the ramp. I showed up on the last day and had him show me 10 in a row.
There’s a fine line between doing cool stuff & doing anything.
I take every opportunity to point out when someone makes a bad call and gets killed. Too much that in our community.
The reality… overcoming our fears feels good, euphoric and gives meaning to many.
Sitting at the top of the ramp, before his first flip, was the most scared he’d ever been. He landed it, and changed his self-image in a positive way.
Our example, as parents, is a powerful teaching tool. Shared time, doing cool stuff, is our most effective venue to share concepts about risk, death and meaning. In addition to doing cool stuff together, we have the ability to choose mentors, sports and peers. Family friends, chosen with intent, have a valuable roll to play.
In April, I wrote about environment, peers and demographic in the context of family wealth. It’s an important consideration to influence the family’s exposure to accidental death. With that in mind, I bought him a gravel bike to help keep him off the busy roads in town.
Our kids are always watching, always learning and hungry to spend time with us.
Don’t focus them on what not to do.
Spend time teaching them how to do, better.