Building Exceptional Relationships
Happiness, Meaning and Fulfillment
Last time we discussed finding a purpose for existing. Early in my marriage, I felt my wife’s purpose for existing was me. What a wonderful gift. Alas, it proved better for everyone when the focus shifted towards the kids.
The shift pushed me to take ownership of myself.
Earlier in my life, a divorce gave me a nudge to take self-ownership.
When I get my self right, miraculous things happen to the world around me.
How does the world change so quickly when I’m working on myself?
Karens (& Kens) Who Lack Purpose
Perception is influenced by purpose.
Whose job is it to set our purpose for existing?
Am I supposed to set my kids purposes?
Are adults supposed to conform to my ideas of what is good for them?1
What about my neighbors?
What role should local and national governments have in my life?
People who lack purpose gravitate towards telling other people what to do. Sometimes these other people will be their spouse, and that creates friction. This loop causes frustration when we take on the role of acting on the ever-changing thoughts of others. The women in my life do a much better job of listening without ownership.2
Pay attention to what happens when someone does what you want. Does it provide the satisfaction you expected, or were you acting on habit of wishing things were different?
External actions of other people do not bring lasting satisfaction. We get caught in a loop of wanting life to be different and fault finding. This vibe drains the people who care about us.
Tasks are not purpose. Remodeling the house, is not purpose. Cleaning out the garage is not purpose. Tasks make me feel better in the near-term but don’t address my need for a larger purpose.
It is impossible to assign purpose. Best I’ve come up with is listening and supporting when someone shows interest in a topic.3
It is not my job to employ, or entertain anyone. My job is to fulfill my own purpose for existing.4
Each of us needs to find our own purpose. An important part of marriage is having compatible individual purposes as well as a shared collective purpose. This requires communication, listening and a willingness to change.
I hold onto my purpose lightly because the goal isn’t the goal. The goal is a shared life filled with love and meaning.
Informal discussions around meals are a great way to figure out what drives other people.
I learned so much from a holiday dinner where our oldest led a discussion of what we wanted to achieve in the coming year. My wife was relaxed and told us exactly how she wanted to live her life.5
These are precious moments - listen, don’t judge.6
Stealing Good Ideas > Learning Via Pain
Listening to my kids come up with really good ideas is a joy.
Something I do better than most is take your best idea, make it a habit, then repeat for 1,000 days. Huge return on investment if you can make that loop a habit.
It’s OK Not To Pay Attention
I give my family reassurance that it’s OK to ignore topics that don’t align with their purpose, which is virtually everything. A big part of achievement is not getting distracted.7
People without purpose are not fun to live alongside. I have been without purpose and was a drain on everyone around me. On top of the energy drain, I was creating constant friction by telling other people what to do, because I didn’t know what to do with my own life.
Meaning follows action.
We’re meant to be engaged.
If you’re unsure what to do then consider supporting the best people you know. Pick someone you’d like to have rub off on you - maybe your spouse?!
Half my wife’s purpose relates to our kids. If you don’t have kids/grandkids then focus close to home. I’ve worked in our local community with coaching, hospice, and education. These projects gave me direct human interaction, which we need for mental health.8
Save Myself, First
One of my favorite people taught me that the toughest lesson he learned as a young clinician was he couldn’t save everyone. He explained that some folks didn’t want to get healthy, and there was nothing he could do about it. He made special efforts with people who had a desire to improve.
Sometimes the best we can do is model the life we wish for the people we love. This is the life purpose of another friend.
To live the life I wish for my children.
Our purpose only needs to make sense to us. However, don’t assume your family are mind readers, especially your spouse.
A favorite question, have you told them how you feel?
A common reply, I feel like they should know how I am feeling.
Yeah, I feel like that too but… it seems to work better when I calmly sit down and explain where I’m coming from.
Then write the key points on a piece of paper.
Then send both of us a picture of the paper.
Then follow up in a couple weeks on what we discussed.
I know great managers whose systems completely fall apart when it comes to their spouses.
What are the actions we need to take to support our purposes?
This question is different than an airing of grievances about why each of us needs to change. I’ll have thoughts, and scripts, about these sorts of conversations next time.
Communicate, then build an exceptional life together.
Politics contains out-group dislike and reinforces our urge to tell others what’s good for them. Both of these are a distraction from my purpose.
I don’t do that.
The above response is set against a dollar amount. I don’t get involved in small arguments. People lacking purpose, place a low value on time and misunderstand the cost of time, attention and emotion.
Show compassion with these folks, they learned this habit as children and were often treated harshly. Let them know they are free to Break The Chain. Ask if they would considering setting a future date to let the past go.
Athletics is silly, but it works. I respect what works.
A conversation: You seem to be spending a lot of time at your desk this summer. You work hard during the school year and that’s your time to spend. You might get to the end of the summer and notice you didn’t do much. If there’s something you’d rather do then let me know and I’ll try to help. I’ll support whatever you think is best.
Create a system for recording your family’s best ideas. My series on preparing for a family meeting will help.
One time our oldest explained she listened to a friend tell his girlfriend that her life’s purpose was a bitch goal. Kind of shocking to hear those words come out of my daughter’s mouth but the lesson stuck because of the shock value.
When someone opens their heart… listen, don’t judge.
A conversation: Sweetie, it’s OK not to pay attention to that. Focus on what you need to do.
Related, don’t rely on your kids/spouse to validate your ever changing beliefs.
Do you want to hear what ***someone*** did today?
No Sweetie, not really.
You mean you don’t want to listen to me?
Let me tell you what I want. I want the same thing for you that you want for me. I want to share a meaningful life with you.
I spend a lot of time indoors and alone. Projects that get me out in the real world, interacting with real people, are essential for my mental health. A little goes a long way - I’m not looking for a new career.
"It's okay to not pay attention." In the world of social media and access to any kind of information at any moment in time, shifting one's mindset to conform with that idea will improve quality of life greatly. Amazing article, and grateful to get access to your insights and journey (of you and your family)
Gordo, I really enjoyed this article on real world individual and family feelings, thoughts and strategies to find your/mine and more importantly for me my kids (and wife’s) purpose. Great dialog and your footnotes provide some excellent thought experiments. Off for a morning walk with dogs.