A Philosophy of Fun
I’m back from a two-week training camp in France.
About a week into the camp, I was on a video-call with my wife.
She asked how camp was going.
I said camp was going great but I appeared to be more serious than everyone else.
We paused, looked at each other, and busted out laughing.
It was the hardest the two of us had laughed this year…
You see, I’m the most serious person you’ll ever meet.
Unless, you happen to train alongside me.
Even then… I’m kinda serious.
I met my wife in my best environment.
Last month, a buddy asked me about fun…
A question I'm struggling with was triggered by something you mentioned...be more fun.
I've given up drinking alcohol and so many of our social situations revolve around alcohol.
I've realized that I don't want to partake...however, I do want to be fun and social.
How have you dealt with this?
For me.. there are two things going here:
The Alcohol
The Effect of the Alcohol
We can generalize to many things in our lives:
The Thing
The Effect of the Thing
As with most things, the dose makes the poison.
We can apply what follows to exercise, competition, food, sex, success, money, wealth, status, anger…
Let’s stick with alcohol. It’s what my friend was curious about.
The thing => alcohol.
It’s impossible to argue there is any physical benefit from alcohol.
Perhaps the lack of benefit was what nudged my friend to give up alcohol.
In my case, it’s obvious that all my goals are more likely to happen if I don’t drink, and don’t need to think about drinking.
That’s another distinction.
The Thing
Energy Spent Thinking About The Thing
In my life, I have spent a lot of energy thinking about my next “thing”
Beer
Food
Sex
Coffee
Workouts
When we are on the “inside” of an obsession/addiction, we are not aware how much energy we are spending.
Even something as simply as coffee. It wasn’t until I quit that I realized how much energy it was taking. Energy I could use elsewhere.
Another example, there are many things we don’t have to worry about when we take the time to cultivate a strong marriage. This “not worrying” is invisible from inside a strong marriage.
We don't notice stress we're not experiencing.
Arousal Control
The efforts I have put into emotional regulation,
To be a better investor…
To be an outstanding endurance athlete…
To be a better father for my wife’s children…
…have had an effect of dampening my response to everything.
Perhaps I should have a drink and lighten up…
:-)
Sailing Past The Sirens
So that’s the background of my seriousness.
It’s a by-product of one my core strengths => reliability and the capacity to choose well under duress.
When I explain the above to the people close to me… they understand where I’m coming from.
People still offer me coffee, wine, drama, opportunities for righteous indignation…
…because that’s what people do.
It’s important to see the situation, for what it is.
Nothing personal, simply a test.
People usually offer something they have trouble controlling in themselves.
What’s The Root Issue?
My buddy mentioned a desire to be “fun & social.”
Tell me about alcohol-free situations where you feel fun & social?
Those situations are what I call our “best environments.” Make sure to share those moments with your family, your spouse and your kids.
If drinking with your co-workers feels empty then it might have nothing to do with the drinking.
The issue could be time allocation and spending time with “your people.” People who share your goals, and want to live similarly.
Different, Not Better
Here’s another thing you might notice, particularly if your core personality is serious, effective, reliable and action oriented.
You may have feelings that your core personality is “not enough.” Perhaps, after a few drinks, the personality you become is “better,” in some way.
It is worth exploring that feeling in more depth:
What’s better about it?
Are you able to access those aspects without drugs or alcohol?
When I looked deeply, I found my personality was different, but not better.
Is It About What It’s About?
Once we start pulling the thread… we might find that we’ve created the wrong environment for our core personality.
…and change is painful.
Across my life, I’ve felt most comfortable inside a high-performance environment. The benefit of hanging around with great athletes is they understand if someone is…
a little serious
goes to bed early
appears obsessed with action
give little energy to things outside their control
eats well, doesn’t drink, never does drugs…
Habits that are unusual in the real world… fit right in with those who aspire to athletic greatness.
I am certain there are other subcultures where I’d fit in.
It might not be the drinking, it might be the stuff that’s happening around the drinking that’s turning you off.
If that’s the case then not-drinking in the same environment won’t solve the issue.
Living Different
How does one deal with a lifestyle that’s different from the norm?
There are two themes that pop up in my head.
Better Outcomes - The way I live generates better outcomes. Not just for me. There are better outcome in everyone I come in contact with. My lifestyle raises all boats.
The Good Guy Defense - Goodness Settles Anxiety.
Consider goodness another way, it is essential to constantly down-regulate a$$hole tendencies - they drive good people from our lives.
When we “prove” the above to ourselves, the desire to justify ourselves diminishes.
People will test us.
We will continue to make mistakes.
…but the core of our lives will be on the right track.
A Desire To Be Liked
My desire to be “fun & social” is an expression of my need for acceptance.
I’m laughing as I type this because… as my friend knows…
I’ve never been on the team because of the fun & sociability I bring to the squad.
Whatever YOU are at your CORE.
It’s enough.
If it’s not enough then you’re free to change it.
Really appreciate this one Gordo. 👊