One of my kids has taken the household to the point where a supermajority of residents have reached their limit.
It’s a situation I created, with intent.
Five years ago, I fired all the staff to make us more competent. I left us with no choice but to up-skill ourselves before the kids “leave the nest.”
Two weeks ago, I wrote about using positive incentives to incentivize change.
Positive incentives work best for people who like to work and each of us have different opinions on what’s interesting work.
If incentives don’t produce the desired outcome then it’s time to modify the incentives.
Focusing On Desired Outcome
With my family, what am I shooting for…
Equip everyone with the skills necessary to direct their life as they see fit.
A fair contribution so we aren’t carrying anyone with the capacity to take care of themselves.
Upskill - Fairness
So how might we tweak the incentives from what I shared two weeks ago?
Knowing we feel losses more acutely than gains…
Having a supermajority of the family backing the need for change…
I started with explaining how we’d be removing travel from this kid’s life. Starting with an end of summer trip they’d been looking forward to.
This got the individual’s attention.
Fear of loss.
At this point, I needed to refocus on outcome because when we’ve let things go too far there is a strong tendency to seek vengeance, rather than an improved outcome.1
The outcome I was looking for was a fair contribution and…
…we arrived at a place where I give a single assignment, five days a week, it gets done and we feel better.
This gives the kid, our relationship, our household a small daily win.
I say exactly what to do.
I say thanks when it’s done.
I don’t nitpick.
It’s not perfect, but it’s a solution that breaks a cycle of conflict and mutual frustration.
Dealing With Conflict
Here are some tips I’ve found helpful.
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“Don’t yell at me.” actually means “The intensity of your disapproval hurts.”
Best to avoid the trap of arguing over whether you are yelling. Stay focused on meeting your collective needs.
The fact that we can express disapproval without raising our voices can make us more effective.
More effective if we…
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Match the intensity to the individual.
Since the kids were toddlers, I have needed to match my tone, and approach, to the individual.
It’s a skill I don’t always get right.
When I get it wrong, the kids let me know. I accept my errors and refocus the discussion on meeting both our needs.
I have several levers available to me.
Most importantly…
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Ultimately, the child needs approval and acceptance.
The younger the kid, the shorter their memories. I have a bias against one of my kids for a past that no longer exists anywhere but inside my head. It colors my interactions with them, especially when I’m tired.
So…
If a situation requires us to be at the top of our game - don’t engage when tired.
Finally, if someone is doing what you want then… don’t sweat the details.
The difficult moments of family life are moments.
If you can’t feel a tendency towards vengeance then observe politics, divorces, armed conflicts… many of us share a habit of tit-for-tat escalation.
Another one that hits home in a real way. Matching the tone for the kid, and adjusting over time, has been a lesson I’ve learned myself through a lot of failures. Having a wide range of ages 2<>13 makes the dichotomy of response required even greater, but no less important. Thanks again for sharing this one Gordo.